I am lying on my bed, completely exhausted. Physically, mentally, and spiritually drained. I am full of regret. Regret for what I did, and regret for what I did not do. Guilt sits heavy on my chest, the kind that does not let you sleep.
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| Representational Image |
I study human behaviour. I have always wanted to write a book about humans, though I never truly began. I know more about behaviour than an average person, or at least I believe so. Because of that, I tried very hard to be kind. I tried to make people feel warm, seen, and loved. I genuinely tried my best.
One day, while talking to a friend, I said, “Nobody loves me.”
She replied, “You do not love anyone either.”
That sentence hit me like a sudden fall. A shock I was not prepared for. I had always believed I gave more love than most people. I immediately interrupted her and asked, “Do you really mean what you just said?”
She said yes.
The conversation drifted to other important matters, so I could not continue then. Today, I brought the topic back. I asked her why she said that and requested her to explain. She replied, “I am telling you the truth. You do not love anyone.” Then she added, “Let this topic go. It will break your heart.”
Even after insisting, she refused to explain. So I let it go.
But I want to explain why I wanted her opinion so badly.
Humans have a defence mechanism, just like the biological defence system of the body. As the body destroys harmful bacteria, the mind protects itself from emotional damage. One of the ways it does this is by refusing to let us see our own faults.
It is not entirely our fault. It is nature’s doing.
Perhaps nature wanted to save humans from drowning in guilt, shame, and self-hatred. So it created a filter. A filter that hides our own mistakes, cruelty, and unfairness from us. Through this filter, we see ourselves as right, and others as wrong.
Let me explain this simply.
We all live in society. The smallest unit of society is the family. Think of a family conflict, especially between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law. Most families have witnessed this.
Imagine you were present during a quarrel between them. You saw everything clearly. Now you go to the mother-in-law first and ask her what happened. She will be furious. In her version, the daughter-in-law is completely at fault. She will describe how badly she was treated, how her voice was raised, how she was disrespected. She will also say how lovingly she treats her daughter-in-law, like her own daughter, and how she herself is the victim.
Then you go to the daughter-in-law and ask the same question.
Her story will be entirely different.
In her version, the mother-in-law is oppressive, unfair, and cruel. She will say she is innocent and constantly victimised.
Now the question is simple. Who is at fault?
You witnessed the entire scene. You know the truth. Both are at fault. Both were angry. Both were hurt. Both behaved unfairly. But neither sees their own mistake. Neither apologises. Neither backs off. Because both believe they are right.
This is the defence mechanism at work.
Both women believe they are innocent. Both believe the other is wrong. Both see themselves as victims. This blindness is not intentional. It is the brain protecting the self.
This defence exists in every human being. In you. In me.
You might feel offended reading this. You might think, “I am not like that.” But this is not an assumption. This is based on years of observation. On watching people in conflict, across ages, genders, cultures, and backgrounds.
Whenever you are not part of a conflict, you can clearly see who is wrong. Sometimes you even see that everyone involved shares some blame. But the moment you become part of the conflict, something strange happens. Everyone else becomes wrong, and you become right.
Try recalling ten or fifteen arguments from your life where you were wrong.
You will struggle.
Not because you were never wrong, but because your mind does not allow you to remember those moments clearly.
This is why, when someone accuses you, you feel furious. You feel misunderstood. You feel attacked. Because from your side, you truly believe you did nothing wrong.
But here is the bitter truth.
Most accusations are not completely false.
They may not be entirely true, but they are rarely entirely wrong.
If you believe you were never at fault, then your defence mechanism is simply stronger than most.
I noticed this pattern everywhere. People from different castes, careers, cultures, and age groups. Every single person believed they were right. Every single person blamed the other.
I always wanted to write a book about such small but powerful human truths. Because if humans learned to recognise their own faults, even slightly, the world would be less cruel.
Let me be clear.
I am not saying you are always wrong.
I am only trying to explain why you believe you are never wrong.
Sometimes, one person stands against ten others, and all ten say he is wrong. Yet that one person still cannot see his mistake. Even when it is obvious. Again, the defence mechanism is at play.
If two friends break their relationship, talk to them separately. You will be amazed. Each will blame the other. Always.
The intensity of this defence mechanism varies.
Some people have a weaker defence. They can admit partial fault. They feel guilt. They apologise. Communication helps them heal.
Others have a very strong defence. They get offended instantly. They never listen. They never reflect. Even if truth is placed directly in front of them, they reject it. Such people often hurt those closest to them.
I know someone like this. Very close to me. In every argument, everyone else is wrong. Parents, spouse, children, strangers. He never sees his own fault. This is not hatred. It is an observation.
Now that we understand the problem, let us move towards a solution.
This mental filter will always exist. It is permanent. But awareness weakens its grip.
Whenever conflict happens, pause. Ask a neutral third person for an honest opinion. It will sting. You will feel offended. But you will learn.
Instead of blaming others entirely, ask yourself what part you played. Apologise where needed. Identify habits that hurt others. Replace them with better ones.
No one is perfect. But we should be moving towards becoming better.
In this fast technological age, we lack patience to read, reflect, and change. But trust me, your mind often lies to you. It tells you that you were not at fault at all.
Listen to your actions. Listen to your heart. Listen to others.
Tomorrow, I will ask my friend why she thinks I do not love anyone. And I will change, if change is needed. I need her honesty. Because my mind also wears this filter. It also tries to convince me that I am perfect.
Now I know its tricks.
And so do you.
So question yourself more often.
Ask yourself honestly:
Why are you never at fault?
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| About the author: Sumira Mir is a student of semester II, Geography, at Government Post Graduate College, Rajouri. She belongs to village Bhattian, Thanamandi. |